Here is a section of a new book I've been working on. I wrote this part on the train as I was going to London to see Keane..while listening to their new album. It is quite an emotional scene, but I hope you like it anyway.

Love, Bethan x

New Chapter: Hannah

I rolled over onto my front and rested my head on my hand. “What do we do Jamie?” I asked, staring into those fathomless eyes. “I don’t know how we can do this...”

Jamie sat up and mirrored my position, but he took my other hand in his. “Do what?” He asked, bringing my hand to his lips and kissing my fingers softly. My heart melted and sank to my feet at his touch and I smiled automatically. But then my fears collected and the smile faded all too quickly.
“This,” I whispered, indicating vaguely around with the hand he still held. A crease appeared between his eyebrows as he frowned.
“What do you mean?” Gazing at me intently, he still kissed my fingers softly and I lost my train of thought. Closing my eyes and unable to meet his gaze, I attempted to piece together a sentence.
What did I mean?
“I’m scared Jamie,” I whispered, my heart pounding. Slowly I opened my eyes and saw him staring intently back at me. His lips had paused on my hand and I could feel him breathing softly across my fingers. I took his silence for an invitation to continue, so I took a deep breath. “I’m scared of this...all of it...” Tears pooled in my eyes and for the first time in a long time, I didn’t fight them or hold them back. I let them flow freely down my face in silent rivulets. Jamie’s eyes tightened at the sight and his fingers flexed around mine, holding my hand close to his chest.
Sitting up, I crossed my legs and pulled the duvet up to my chest, with Jamie still holding my hand.
“Jamie how can we make this work?” He opened his mouth to protest, but I continued anyway. “I’m scared for you Jamie. I’m scared for us....” Drawing in a deep breath, I took strength from his hand in mine.
“My father has ruined everything in my life so far. He has taken away my freedom and jeopardised my wellbeing. I’ve always been at the bottom of his list of priorities unless he can find another way to break me and ensure my obedience. Everything has always been about him and what he wants. He degraded me and made me feel like I was worthless. When Mum died, instead of becoming closer, he pushed me away; ridiculing me and making me feel like it was my fault. Instead of providing a supportive home life, he brought in endless women, barely older than I was and mocked my weakness when I cried. When I was invited to parties, he always made sure that I couldn’t go. Not because it was best for me, but because he knew that it made me unhappy. Every time I was forced to make a different excuse and eventually I stopped being asked. I was pushed away and left alone, which was exactly what he wanted.”
The tears were flowing faster now, but I forced myself to carry on past the lump in my throat. I pulled Jamie’s hand into my lap and turned it over in my hands. “All of the best things in my life have been taken away from me Jamie. And you have been the best thing out of all of them. I haven’t felt this whole in such a long time. But how long can it really last? How long is it until he comes knocking at that door and drags me away again? How long can we really keep pretending that he can’t do anything about it?” I reached out and stroked his face softly. He tilted his head so that his cheek cupped in my palm and I ran my thumb along his cheekbone. “But I know that when that happens, it won’t just be me that gets hurt this time. He will hurt you too and that will hurt me more than anything else could. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself, knowing that it was my fault...my fault that you were hurt. I can’t do that...”
I took another deep breath and sat up straighter. “Ok, let’s say that we just make this happen. We carry on as we are, sneaking around behind his back, meeting up in secret, hoping that he will never know. We run far away and hope that he can’t find us. ”
“Yes, he won’t know – it’s do-able definitely.” Jamie nodded, putting one hand behind his head and letting a smile settle on his face.
“But then let’s say in six months we hit a wall and somehow he finds out – somehow he finds us and makes me leave. He doesn’t let me see you and it becomes more and more difficult to meet up and then we start to feel the tension and we start fighting because we don’t know what else to do and then...after a long and tearful phone call...we say goodbye. And that’ll be the end of it and we’ll never see each other again. And then what’s left? Two miserable people left and all of it being for nothing.”
I let out a long sigh and Jamie did the same, looking intently up at me. I closed my eyes and rubbed my forehead, trying to ease the knot of tension behind my eyes.
“Or,” I started again, wiping a tear away. Jamie let out a huge sigh and sat up quickly.
“Thank you,” he said and planted a kiss on my lips. Drawing away, he looked deep into my eyes. I paused for a second and tried to collect my thoughts and find a solution. But I came up blank.
“Or, maybe we should realise that what we’ve had these last few weeks has been perfect.” Jamie smiled and took my hand again. “And maybe it doesn’t get any better than this. Maybe we are just trying to find a solution to a problem that is futile. Maybe we should just leave it all be before anything spoils what we have or takes it away. That Dad could come in and take me away and that he would hurt you – isn’t it better to just end this all on a positive and walk away knowing that this was the best time of our lives? It’s too much of a risk spoiling what we have now and letting it get broken...like everything else.”
I shrugged and met his eye, feeling the silence thicken.
“I don’t like either of those solutions,” Jamie frowned and I sighed, flopping back onto my pillows.
“Me neither,” I agreed. Jamie raised his hand and indicated vaguely.
“I have another scenario for you.” I breathed a sigh of relief and wiped my face free of tears, closing my eyes.
“Good,” I whispered.
“I’m in love with you,” he stated simply and my breath hitched in my throat. Slowly I opened my eyes again and saw him gazing down at me, a small smile playing on his lips. The smile faded again as I sat up a little, meeting his gaze. “I apologise for the blunt delivery, but as problematic as this situation may be....I’m in love. With you.” His eyes held me silent and unmoving, not believing what I was hearing. I didn’t know what to say. “And I can’t just throw that away or stop feeling it – even if there is a risk that it will all end soon. I can’t just...fall out of love with you.” He laughed quietly and his smile crinkled his eyes. “I can’t believe how many times I’m saying it, but I love you.”
Running his hand through his hair he struggled to find the words. “And I never thought that I would feel this way. I never knew that I could feel so right and so whole. I never knew that there was something missing from my life until you first opened your door and smiled up at me, all beautiful and shy. I didn’t know that I needed you in my life until you walked right into it and changed everything. And I know that you are scared that your father will find out and break us apart, but I finally know what I want in my life. And that’s you....I can’t let that go just because there is a risk that it will be taken away.” I swallowed.
“Hannah I need you in my life. I can’t just let you walk away. Especially not back to or because of him.” When I looked down, he put one hand gently under my chin to meet his eyes again. “I can’t throw it all away...I’m scared too, but I’m scared for you. I could never forgive myself knowing that you got hurt because of me. So stay here, with me.”
He laid back down onto the pillows and pulled me on top of him, winding his strong arms around me, holding me gently. I tucked my head under his chin, closing my eyes in the safety of his embrace. I felt him kiss the top of my head and he ran his fingers softly through my hair.
We lay like that for a while in silence, taking strength from each other’s company.
“I wasn’t expecting ‘I love you’,” I whispered, curling my hand into my chest. I could feel Jamie’s heart beating underneath me and his chest rose and fell as he breathed.
“Why not? It’s obvious isn’t it?” Jamie replied, pulling my mouth to his and kissing me deeply. His fingers ran softly through my hair and down my back, settling on my waist.
Pulling away, I smiled down at him. “I guess that I just haven’t heard it for...a very long time. I didn’t expect to ever hear it again.”
“Well you have now, and it’s true. And that’s all that matters isn’t it?” I nodded and tucked my head back under his chin.
“I’m sorry,” I laughed softly, feeling the tears trickle out of my eyes.
“What for?” I felt Jamie smile as he kissed the top of my head again.
“I don’t know...for being the most depressing girl you ever met.” Jamie chuckled and I felt the laugh resonate through his chest.
“You could never be that,” he assured me and tilted my chin up to look at him again. “I love you,” he breathed and pressed his lips to mine.
“I love you too. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“Well then, let’s hope you never have to find out,” Jamie smiled and I curled back into his arms.